Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
inventing words: clothing
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.