no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Breaking news:
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
i’m still crying at this
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz