Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
no refunds
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.