Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
mechanics be like
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.