Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
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I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
You know…for fall…
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Put this video in the Louvre
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.