Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
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Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.