I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
this is me
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.