You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.