Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
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me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.