Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Good Morning.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Poetry is my passion
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.