Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
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“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.