[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt