CRYING
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Planet of the Apps.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.