[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
taking June’s advice to heart
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
#milo
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.