WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket