Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
LOL!
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.