Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
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Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not