A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
reminder
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?