Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
You Might Also Like
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.