Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework