If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time