No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
You Might Also Like
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Where is your GOD now????
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37