My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.