police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*