Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
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Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Who.
Did.
This?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought