Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.