Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*