I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say