[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin