every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Cndnsd Mlk
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004