Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.