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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
be careful
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I wish this was real life…
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.