When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*