Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose