Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔