All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *