I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.