Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period