Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You Might Also Like
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
A new level of troll.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Herpes is trending, good job people
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*