*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down