Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence