Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Boating season is upon us.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news