*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things