Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
He wanted to make sure😂
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try