Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
You Might Also Like
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I want what they have
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲