my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.