that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Beauty and the Beast
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap