Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Netflix and awkward silence?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”