Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Very problematic
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.