Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Wikigenius
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’